.png)
Many couples who are struggling are often skeptical about couples counseling and wonder if it can actually help. It's not uncommon to "wait" for things to get better, so by the time they're decided to seek out couples therapy, many wonder if they’ve waited too long to get help from a marriage therapist. Let's dive in as to how couples therapy actually can help your relationship thrive rather than survive.
5 Powerful Ways Couples Therapy Can Transform Your Relationship
1. Breaking Down the Communication Wall
Picture this: You’re trying to tell your partner about your day, and somehow it turns into an argument about who forgot to do the dishes three weeks ago. Sound familiar? Communication problems are among the common issues marriage counselors address in couples therapy.
This is where couples counseling can work its magic. Using techniques from the Gottman Method, we help couples learn how to actually talk to each other – and more importantly, hear each other. Couples who seek couples therapy increase their chances of staying together and improving their communication.
For example, instead of saying “You never help around the house!” (which, let’s face it, rarely leads anywhere good), you’ll learn to say something like, “I’m feeling overwhelmed with housework and could really use your help.” It’s not just about changing words; it’s about changing the whole conversation. We practice this in session, and couples often have their first “aha!” moment when they realize they’ve been speaking different languages all along.
2. Getting to the Heart of Those Pesky Attachment Issues
Remember how your partner’s tendency to withdraw during arguments drives you up the wall? Or how their need for constant reassurance sometimes feels overwhelming? There’s usually a deeper story there. In therapy, we dive into understanding why you react the way you do in relationships.
Licensed therapists trained in attachment theory can help couples understand these deeper stories and reactions.
Maybe you grew up in a family where emotions were swept under the rug, or perhaps your partner experienced early abandonment. Understanding these patterns isn’t just fascinating – it’s game-changing. Once couples start seeing their fights through this lens, the blame game often stops, and real healing can begin.
3. Smashing Those Toxic Cycles
Let’s be real – most couples get stuck in what I call the “dance of doom.” You know, those predictable fights that start the same way and end the same way, every single time. One partner criticizes, the other gets defensive, someone storms off, rinse and repeat. A trained couples therapist can help identify and break these toxic cycles and help couples resolve conflicts.
In therapy, we put on our detective hats and track these patterns. Using Relational Life Therapy techniques, we not only identify these cycles but create new choreography altogether. I’ve seen couples who’ve had the same fight for 20 years finally break free from it – and trust me, the relief on their faces is priceless.
4. Rebuilding Trust After the Unthinkable
Whether it’s discovering hidden Instagram messages or finding out about financial secrets, betrayal hits hard. But here’s the thing – relationships can and do recover from betrayals. It’s not quick, and it’s definitely not easy, but there’s a road map for rebuilding trust.
Therapy helps couples heal pain and rebuild trust after betrayals.
We work through this systematically: processing the hurt, understanding the why (without making excuses), and creating new boundaries that feel solid. I’ve guided couples through rebuilding trust after affairs, and while it’s some of the hardest work we do in therapy, it’s also some of the most rewarding when successful.
5. Bringing Back That Spark
Let’s talk about intimacy – both physical and emotional intimacy. Many couples find themselves living like roommates, missing that connection they once had. Through counseling, we work on rebuilding both emotional and physical intimacy in a way that feels natural and not forced.
Family therapy can also play a role in addressing these intimacy issues.
This might mean learning to have meaningful conversations again, finding new ways to show affection, or addressing issues that have created distance in the bedroom. We create safe spaces to discuss these sensitive topics and develop practical strategies to reconnect.
5 Real Talk Situations Where Marriage Counseling Might Not Be the Answer
1. When One Person Has Already Checked Out
It's important to have an honest look at the relationship and how things are going – if one partner has one foot out the door and is just coming to therapy to say they “tried everything,” this may be an indication that one partner has already made their decision. Much like you can’t water a dead plant, and you can’t save a relationship where one person has truly given up.
A marriage counselor can often identify when one partner has emotionally checked out.
Signs to look for include: refusing to engage in exercises, constantly checking their phone during sessions, or being unwilling to discuss the future. It's not impossible for some eleventh-hour turnarounds, they’re rare when someone has completely disconnected emotionally.
2. When Safety Is at Risk
This is non-negotiable: couples counseling is not appropriate in situations of active abuse – physical, emotional, or otherwise. In fact, it can make things more dangerous. If you’re in an abusive situation, individual support and safety planning need to come first.
Licensed clinical social workers can provide the necessary support and resources in these situations.
It's beneficial to pause couples work when abuse surfaces and instead connect individuals with appropriate resources. This isn’t about giving up on the relationship; it’s about prioritizing safety and well-being.
3. When Your Core Values Are Miles Apart
Here’s the thing about core values – they’re core for a reason. While couples can absolutely learn to navigate differences, some gaps are too wide to bridge. It's important that there is a foundation to the relationship and if there are fundamental disagreements about having children, religious beliefs, or lifestyle choices it can be an indication that there is a lack of commonality for the relationship to thrive.
Marriage therapists can help couples navigate these fundamental differences. Therapy can help you discuss these differences respectfully and even help you part ways amicably if needed, but it can’t make incompatible values suddenly align.
4. When Untreated Addiction Is in the Mix: The Role of Family Therapy
If there’s active addiction happening, often couples counseling alone isn’t enough. It’s like trying to repair a boat while it’s still taking on water. Many time the addiction needs to be addressed first or at least simultaneously.
When couples are dealing with addiction, and the most successful outcomes happen when the partner struggling with alcohol or substance abuse is actively engaged in their recovery journey while working on the relationship.
5. When It's Always Someone Else's Fault
Let’s talk about accountability – or in this case, the lack of it. This is a scenario that plays out countless times in the therapy room: one or both partners come in with a detailed account of their partner’s flaws, but limited awareness of their own contributions to the relationship dynamics.
In these situations, it can help helpful for the therapist to encourage that both partners examine their own behaviors in order to take responsibility for their actions.
Placing blame on the other person usually might sound like:
“If they would just stop being so sensitive, we wouldn’t have any problems”
“I’m only critical because they never do anything right”
“I wouldn’t get angry if they didn’t provoke me”
“Everything was fine until they changed”
“I’m just telling the truth – they’re too emotional”
Sound familiar? These statements share a common thread: they place 100% of the responsibility for relationship problems on the other person’s shoulders. Here’s why this mindset makes couples counseling nearly impossible to succeed:
The Blame Game Blocks Growth
Think of relationship problems like a dance – it takes two people to create the pattern. When someone refuses to acknowledge their part in the dance, they're essentially saying, "I don't need to change my steps; you need to dance better." But here's the reality: even if your partner is stepping on your toes 90% of the time, focusing solely on their missteps won't create positive change.
The Hidden Cost of Being "Right"
Many couples get stuck in what can be called the "Right vs. Happy" trap. They're so invested in proving they're right that they're willing to sacrifice their relationship's happiness for it. It can often be beneficial to pause and ask: "Would you rather be right or would you rather be close?" The answer to this question can provide you with important information about whether therapy can help.
The Mirror Exercise That Often Fails
In couples therapy, it can be helpful to use an exercise where each partner has to name three ways they contribute to a recurring problem. Partners stuck in blame mode often can't name a single contribution, or they'll say things like "I contribute by putting up with their behavior." This inability to self-reflect is a major red flag for therapy success.
When Defensiveness Becomes an Identity
Sometimes, partners become so habituated to defending themselves that they can't drop their guard even in safe spaces. They've developed what I call "defensive armor" – it protected them at some point in their life, but now it's preventing genuine connection. Unless they're willing to at least peek out from behind that armor, it can be difficult that therapy will help them develop new patterns.
Breaking Through the Blame Barrier
For couples counseling to work, we need at least a crack in the blame armor. This might look like:
Admitting that their reactions might sometimes be disproportionate
Acknowledging that their past experiences might be coloring their current perceptions
Showing curiosity about their partner's experience
Being willing to try new behaviors, even if they don't think they're the "problem"
Accepting that perception differences can exist without someone being "wrong"
When There's Hope
Sometimes, what looks like chronic blame is actually fear in disguise. Many times through couples therapy, partners can create enough safety and support, that even the most dedicated blame-shifter begins to lower their defenses. The key moment often comes when they realize that taking responsibility doesn't mean taking all the blame – it just means acknowledging their part in the dynamic.
When It's Time to Call It Quits
This is such a difficult decision for most couples, however there are times when a relationship no longer serves us and it may be more painful to stay in the relationship. In these situations, it is often recommended:
Individual therapy to work on personal growth and self-awareness as well as process the decision
Taking a break from couples work until both partners are ready to engage in self-reflection
Having an honest conversation about whether the relationship can move forward without mutual accountability
Remember, taking responsibility for your part doesn't minimize your partner's contributions to the problems. It's about recognizing that the only person you can truly change is yourself. When both partners understand and accept this, that's when the real work of couples counseling can begin.
The Bottom Line: Can Marriage Counseling Save Your Relationship? YES.
Here are the take aways: Couples counseling can be transformative, but it’s not a magic wand.
Success depends on factors like:
Timing (earlier is usually better, but it’s never too late if you’re both willing)
Commitment (you get out what you put in)
Honesty (with yourself, your partner, and your therapist)
Practice (what happens between sessions is as important as what happens in them)
Patience (lasting change takes time)
Relationship therapy provides a safe space for couples to address their issues and grow together.
In my years of practice, I’ve seen couples on the brink of divorce rebuild stronger than ever, and I’ve seen couples realize that ending their relationship is actually the healthiest choice. Both can be successful outcomes if they lead to growth and understanding.
Remember this: Walking into a session with a marriage counselor takes courage. Whether you end up saving your relationship or learning important lessons about yourself, that courage is never wasted. If you’re reading this and wondering if couples counseling is right for you, that alone shows you care about your relationship’s future – and that’s a great place to start.
So, can couples counseling save your relationship? The honest answer is: it depends. But if you’re both willing to do the work, the possibilities for transformation are endless.
Take the First Step Today - Book a Free Couples Therapy Consultation
Your marriage deserves every chance to thrive, and you don't have to navigate this journey alone. While these nine tips provide a solid foundation for rebuilding your relationship, professional guidance can make all the difference in successfully implementing them.
Learn more about our Couples Therapy services and visit www.livingopenhearted.com to schedule your free phone consultation. Together, we can work toward rebuilding the strong, loving partnership you and your spouse deserve.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Kristin M. Papa, LCSW is a licensed clinical social worker in California and Puerto Rico. She specializes in stress, burnout, and couples.
***The ideas, concepts, and opinions expressed in all Living Openhearted posts are intended to be used for educational purposes only. The author and publisher are not rendering medical or mental health advice of any kind, nor are intended to replace medical advice, nor to diagnose, prescribe, or treat any disease, condition, illness, or injury. Authors and publisher claim no responsibility to any person or entity for any liability, loss, or damage as a result of the use, application, or interpretation of the material.
***If you are experiencing a mental health emergency you can call the National Suicide and Crisis Line at 988 or go to the nearest emergency room.