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Do you constantly worry if people are mad at you? Do you say “yes” when you want to say “no”? Do you feel responsible for everyone else’s emotions? If so, your people-pleasing might be more than just a personality trait—it could be a trauma response.
For many women, especially those who grew up in chaotic or emotionally unpredictable environments, people-pleasing isn’t just about being kind. It’s a deeply ingrained survival strategy. When we experience trauma—especially relational trauma—our nervous system learns to prioritize safety over everything else. Complex trauma, such as repeated childhood abuse or ongoing partner violence, can lead to people-pleasing as a survival mechanism. This is often referred to as the fawn response, a type of trauma coping mechanism where individuals appease others to avoid conflict and re-establish safety. In these shame-based environments, individuals often prioritize others’ needs over their own to maintain a sense of safety.
If this sounds familiar, keep reading. Here are 8 signs your people-pleasing might be a trauma response.
Understanding People-Pleasing Behavior
People-pleasing behavior is more than just a desire to be liked; can be a coping mechanism often rooted in childhood trauma and other traumatic experiences. This behavior, known as the fawning response, involves people-pleasing behaviors aimed at avoiding conflict or punishment by prioritizing others’ needs and desires over your own, sometimes to the point of neglecting your own feelings and well-being. Many times people pleasers have learned to be hyper-vigilant to other's emotions, tones in voices, and behaviors that they attempt to alter their own behavior to avoid aggravating the other person's reactions.
People-pleasing can manifest in various ways, such as excessive accommodation, overcommitting, and an inability to say “no” to requests. At its core, this behavior often stems from a deep-seated need for validation, approval, and acceptance from others. Understanding this can help you recognize why you might be engaging in people-pleasing behaviors and how they impact your mental health.
The Connection Between Trauma and People-Pleasing
Trauma, especially childhood trauma, can significantly influence the development of people-pleasing behavior. When individuals experience trauma, they often develop coping mechanisms to manage the emotional pain and distress. One such response is the flight response, where individuals respond to perceived danger by either attempting to escape, avoiding the situation, or displaying behaviors such as obsessive-compulsive actions. People-pleasing can be one such mechanism, allowing individuals to avoid conflict, maintain relationships, and feel a sense of safety. However, this behavior can also lead to feelings of powerlessness, low self-esteem, and anxiety. Recognizing the connection between trauma and people-pleasing is crucial for developing effective strategies to overcome these behaviors and reclaim your sense of self.
Codependency and People Pleasing
Codependency and people-pleasing often go hand in hand, creating a cycle where individuals struggle to set healthy boundaries and prioritize their own needs. This dynamic can lead to codependent relationships, where one person may enable or support the other’s unhealthy behaviors, often at the expense of their own well-being.
For many, people-pleasing is a coping mechanism developed in response to childhood trauma or complex trauma. By focusing on others’ needs and desires, individuals may feel a sense of safety and control. However, this behavior can also result in feelings of resentment and burnout, as their own needs are consistently neglected.
In codependent relationships, expressing one’s own feelings and needs can be particularly challenging. This struggle often stems from past trauma, where avoiding conflict or rejection became a survival strategy. As a result, individuals may lose touch with their authentic self, constantly prioritizing others to maintain a sense of security.
Complex PTSD can further complicate this dynamic. Those who have experienced traumatic experiences may find it difficult to regulate their emotions, turning to people-pleasing as a way to manage anxiety or fear. This can create a pattern of behavior that is hard to break without professional support.
How to Start to Unpack Excessive People Pleasing
Therapy can be a valuable tool in addressing codependency and people-pleasing behaviors. Working with a therapist, individuals can learn to set healthy boundaries, prioritize their own needs, and develop more authentic relationships. Therapy provides a safe space to explore these patterns and work towards healthier ways of interacting with others.
In addition to therapy, developing emotional awareness and regulation skills is crucial. This involves recognizing and expressing one’s own emotions, rather than suppressing them to please others. By becoming more attuned to their own feelings, individuals can start to reclaim their sense of self and build more balanced relationships.
Trauma survivors can greatly benefit from therapy that addresses their specific trauma responses, including the fawning trauma response. Through therapeutic work, individuals can learn to recognize and challenge their people-pleasing behaviors, developing more effective coping mechanisms for dealing with stress and anxiety.
Overcoming codependency and people-pleasing requires a willingness to confront one’s own emotions and needs. This journey involves learning to prioritize personal feelings and desires, rather than constantly putting others first. By setting healthy boundaries and practicing self-care, individuals can work towards more fulfilling and authentic relationships.
Ultimately, breaking free from codependency and people-pleasing is about developing a deeper understanding of oneself and cultivating healthier ways to cope with stress and anxiety. With the support of a skilled therapist, individuals can embark on a path towards healing, empowerment, and a more authentic sense of self.
Fawning: A Trauma Response
Fawning is a specific type of people-pleasing behavior closely associated with trauma responses. It involves attempting to appease others to avoid conflict, maintain relationships, and feel safe. This behavior is often a coping mechanism for individuals who have experienced trauma, particularly complex PTSD. Fawning can manifest in various ways, such as excessive accommodation, overcommitting, and difficulty saying “no” to requests. While it may temporarily reduce anxiety, fawning can lead to feelings of resentment, anger, and burnout. Understanding fawning as a trauma response can help you recognize these patterns and work towards healthier ways of interacting with others.
8 Signs that Your People Pleasing May Be Rooted in Trauma
1. You Constantly Worry, “Are You Mad at Me?”
If you find yourself scanning people’s expressions or tone of voice for any sign of displeasure, this could be a sign that your nervous system is wired to avoid conflict. Growing up in an environment where anger or disappointment led to punishment (physical, emotional, or verbal) can make you hyper-aware of others’ moods, leading you to overextend yourself to keep the peace.
2. You Apologize Excessively
Saying “I’m sorry” when you’ve done nothing wrong is a classic sign of trauma-based people-pleasing. It’s a way to diffuse tension before it even starts. If you grew up feeling like you had to walk on eggshells, apologizing might have become your go-to defense mechanism to avoid conflict or rejection.
3. You Feel Guilty for Saying No
Do you feel like you’re letting people down or being selfish when you set a boundary? Trauma teaches us that saying “no” can lead to punishment, rejection, or abandonment. If you’ve been conditioned to prioritize others’ needs over your own, even the thought of disappointing someone can trigger anxiety or guilt.
4. You Take Responsibility for Other People’s Emotions
If someone is upset, do you immediately feel like it’s your fault? Do you try to fix their mood, even when it has nothing to do with you? Many trauma survivors develop this habit as children, learning that their emotional safety depends on managing others’ feelings. This can lead to exhaustion, resentment, and a loss of your own sense of self.
Family therapy can be a beneficial approach for improving communication and fostering healing within family dynamics when a loved one is struggling with these issues.
5. You Struggle to Identify Your Own Needs and Desires
When you’re used to prioritizing everyone else, it can be hard to know what you actually want. Do you struggle to make decisions, defer to others, or feel lost when asked about your personal preferences? This might be a sign that people-pleasing has disconnected you from your own needs.
6. You Avoid Conflict at All Costs
If the idea of confrontation makes you panic, your people-pleasing may be trauma-driven. Growing up in an unstable or high-conflict home can teach your nervous system that disagreement equals danger. As a result, you might go to great lengths to keep the peace—even if it means sacrificing your own boundaries and well-being.
7. You Overextend Yourself to Gain Approval
Do you take on extra work, overcommit to plans, or say “yes” to things you don’t have the capacity for? If you believe your worth is tied to what you do for others, your people-pleasing might be rooted in trauma. Many women who grew up in emotionally neglectful or high-expectation environments develop this habit as a way to feel valued.
8. You Feel Anxious When Someone Is Distant or Withdrawn
If someone takes longer than usual to text back, seems a little off, or doesn’t respond with their usual enthusiasm, does your mind immediately spiral into self-blame? Fear of abandonment is a common theme in trauma-based people-pleasing. If you grew up with inconsistent emotional support, you might be hyper-vigilant about maintaining relationships—even if it means overgiving or over-apologizing.
Emotional Cost of People-Pleasing
People-pleasing behavior can have severe emotional consequences, including anxiety, depression, and low self-esteem. When you prioritize others’ needs over your own, you may feel disconnected from your authentic self, leading to feelings of numbness, emptiness, and disconnection from your own emotions. This behavior can also perpetuate feelings of powerlessness, as you may feel trapped in relationships or situations that are detrimental to your well-being. Understanding the emotional consequences of people-pleasing is essential for developing effective strategies to overcome this behavior, establish healthy boundaries, and prioritize self-care.
Breaking Free from the Fawning Trauma Response
Recognizing that your people-pleasing is a trauma response is a powerful first step. But what comes next?
Practice setting small boundaries. Start by saying no to low-stakes situations and build from there.
Challenge guilt and anxiety. Remind yourself that disappointing someone does not mean you are bad or unworthy.
Reconnect with your needs. Take time to ask yourself: What do I actually want in this situation?
Work with a therapist. Trauma-based patterns are deep-rooted, but with the right support, you can rewire your nervous system to prioritize your well-being.
Therapy can be a transformative tool in helping you recognize these behaviors, understand their origins, and develop healthier patterns. A skilled therapist can guide you in setting firm yet compassionate boundaries, reconnecting with your sense of self, and healing from past trauma. With the right support, you can shift from people-pleasing out of fear to making choices that truly align with your needs and values.
If you're ready to take the next step, Living Openhearted Therapy and Wellness is here to support you. We offer compassionate, trauma-informed therapy in San Jose, CA, and San Juan, PR. Book a free consultation today to start your journey toward healing and empowerment.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Kristin M. Papa, LCSW is a licensed clinical social worker in California and Puerto Rico. She specializes in stress, burnout, and couples.
***The ideas, concepts, and opinions expressed in all Living Openhearted posts are intended to be used for educational purposes only. The author and publisher are not rendering medical or mental health advice of any kind, nor are intended to replace medical advice, nor to diagnose, prescribe, or treat any disease, condition, illness, or injury. Authors and publisher claim no responsibility to any person or entity for any liability, loss, or damage as a result of the use, application, or interpretation of the material.
***If you are experiencing a mental health emergency you can call the National Suicide and Crisis Line at 988 or go to the nearest emergency room.