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The holiday season often arrives with a glittering promise of joy, connection, and magical moments. Yet for many, this promise can quickly transform into a pressure cooker of unrealistic expectations and nonstop self-criticism. You might find yourself struggling to get the most thoughtful gifts, set up the most magical decorations and anxiously making sure that everyone is comfortable and getting along. This, of course, can come at the expense of your exhaustion and emotional wellbeing. Unhelpful perfectionism can quickly turn what you hoped would be a time of celebration into a minefield of stress, frustration and disappointment.
What is Perfectionism?
Perfectionism is a psychological pattern characterized by a difficulty tolerating mistakes or failure. Clinical perfectionism is a specific form of perfectionism characterized by stringent personal standards and adverse effects on self-worth and mental health. The pressure of having a flawless performance can result in high stress and intense fear. This can often look like setting unrealistic standards and engaging in inflexible behaviors to meet them. The following is a list of possible behaviors people engage with in an attempt to avoid or manage potential failure:
relentless self-criticism that leaves you feeling overwhelmed and defeated
constantly moving the goal post for success further and further
struggling to make decisions because you’re not 100% sure they’re right
procrastinating or not completing tasks you don’t fully understand
avoiding places, activities or people that trigger a sense of inadequacy
difficulty enjoying your success or that of others without criticism
inability to start new projects or activities out of fear of failure
Unlike healthy striving, unhelpful perfectionism creates significant emotional distress and can hinder personal growth and well-being. In the long run, you might find yourself disconnected from the people you love, disengaging from enjoyable activities and feeling unable to be present in life. At the extreme end, unhelpful perfectionism can be linked to deeper problems with depression, anxiety and body-image.
Definition and Types of Perfectionism
Perfectionism is a complex and multifaceted concept that can be defined as the relentless pursuit of achieving flawlessness and setting unattainable standards for oneself. There are three primary types of perfectionism: self-prescribed, socially prescribed, and other-oriented. Self-prescribed perfectionism is an internalized form where individuals set impossible standards for themselves, often driven by a fear of failure and a need for self-control. Socially prescribed perfectionism, on the other hand, is externally driven and influenced by the expectations and judgments of others, leading to a constant need for external validation and a fear of rejection. Other-oriented perfectionism is characterized by setting exceptionally high standards for others, often resulting in strained relationships and unrealistic expectations.
Self-Prescribed and Socially Prescribed Perfectionism
Self-prescribed perfectionism is often driven by a fear of failure and a need for self-control. Individuals with self-prescribed perfectionism may engage in excessive self-criticism, have a fear of making mistakes, and experience reduced creativity and productivity. Socially prescribed perfectionism, on the other hand, is driven by a need for external validation and a fear of rejection. Individuals with socially prescribed perfectionism may experience excessive concern about others’ opinions, anxiety and stress, impaired decision-making, and strained relationships.
Unhelpful Perfectionism During the Holidays
Perfectionistic behavior during the holidays can frequently manifest as an intense, sometimes unconscious drive to create the “perfect” experience. For example, you excessively strive to make the most Instagram-worthy dinner party. Or, you micromanage family dynamics to avoid uncomfortable interactions, disappointed guests and preserve a picture perfect image.
While on the surface, trying to create a memorable experience where everyone has a good time can seem positive, this aspiration can devolve into rigid standards and desperate attempts to control things that are outside of your control.
However, these perfectionistic ideals may not be inherently bad. Underneath them, you can find values you truly care about, such as: connection, belonging, peace, love and caring. The intentions can be heartfelt even if the implementation is faulty.
The problem emerges when we become so attached to these idealized scenarios that we lose sight of the present moment and the genuine emotional experience that makes them matter. In the end, unhelpful perfectionism during the holiday season might leave you feeling bitter, demoralized and asking yourself “What’s the point?” or “Was it even worth it?”
Identifying Perfectionist Tendencies
Identifying perfectionist tendencies is crucial in overcoming perfectionism. Perfectionists often exhibit certain behaviors and thought patterns, such as a relentless pursuit of flawlessness, excessive self-criticism, and a fear of making mistakes. They may also experience negative consequences, such as anxiety, depression, and strained relationships. By recognizing these tendencies, individuals can begin to challenge and change their perfectionistic behaviors.
5 Strategies for Managing Holiday Perfectionism
1. Mindfully Reframe Unhelpful Thoughts
Recognize perfectionist thoughts as mental events, not absolute truths or rules to obey. They rise and fall in your stream of consciousness, just like every other thought. There’s no need to hold on to them or push them away.
For example: Imagine you’re preparing a holiday dinner and find yourself spiraling with thoughts like, “If the food isn’t absolutely delicious and if the dinner table set-up isn’t on point, I’ll be the worst host, everyone is going to be unhappy.”
Alternative: Practice reframing the thought in a way that is playful and creates distance from it. You might say to yourself, “There’s my ‘perfect dinner’ story playing again” and visualize it as a song playing on a record. This strategy might aid you in seeing the thought as a passing mental experience rather than an immutable fact, which can help reduce the thought’s emotional grip.
The dinner doesn’t need to be flawless to be meaningful. Small imperfections often lead to the most endearing memories of family gatherings. Behavioral experiments in CBT can also help by allowing you to test and challenge these perfectionist thoughts in real-life situations.
2. Embrace Imperfection As A Normal Part of Being Human
Instead of pushing away uncomfortable emotions by doing more and adding tasks to your already packed to-do list, take a moment to pause, acknowledge the discomfort and make space for those feelings to be felt.
For example: You selected the perfect outfits and scenery for this year’s family photo. However, the kids are uncooperative, the baby starts crying and the dog is running around unable to stay still for a second.
Alternative: Instead of fighting against the discontent, practice radical acceptance. Recognize and name the emotions. You might say: “I’m feeling frustrated that things didn’t go as planned. I’m feeling disappointed that the photos are not as I imagined them. These feelings are uncomfortable and it’s okay for me to feel this way.”
Doing this doesn’t mean you like the situation. Rather that you’re willing to feel your feelings and move through them without adding unnecessary tension to an already difficult moment. Practicing radical acceptance can lead to greater self acceptance, reducing the emotional grip of perfectionism. You might even take it up a notch by trying to find humor, laughing at the chaotic photo shoot, appreciating the awkward yet genuine moments of connection, and finding authenticity in the imperfect family photo.
3. Act On Your Values By Focusing On What Truly Matters
Identify some of your values for the holiday season (i.e. kindness, gratitude, spirituality, etc.) and choose actions that align with those values, rather than perfectionistic ideals.
For example: You're stressed about finding the most thoughtful gifts for everyone that are high quality, yet don’t go over budget.
Alternative: Pause, breathe and reconnect with your values. What values underlie the act of exchanging gifts? Does it represent showing love, generosity, care? Sometimes, a heartfelt card or simple, thoughtful gesture might better represent your values than objects.
By shifting focus from the pressure of ideal execution to connecting with meaningful intention, you can reduce stress and increase genuine satisfaction. The value is not in the object, but in the connection fostered by giving and receiving.
4. Ground Yourself In The Present
Cultivate mindful awareness of the here and now. By redirecting your attention to what’s currently in front of you, you might reduce the cognitive load and anxiety of the season.
For example: You’re at a gathering and you find yourself constantly worrying about potential conflicts, disappointed guests and tense social interactions.
Alternative: Ground yourself through your bodily sensations. Notice the warmth of a cup of hot chocolate, its sweet aromas and flavors, the scent of pine tree or a candle, the softness and comfort of the clothes you’re wearing. When a preoccupied thought comes up, gently redirect your attention to your immediate sensory experiences.
This practice helps interrupt the mental loop of perfectionistic worrying and reconnects you with what's happening in the present moment. That way you can fully participate and enjoy the experience without the mental burden and emotional exhaustion.
5. Engage With Flexible Actions Aligned To Your Personal Wellbeing
Some of us are on a personal journey of taking care of our mental health and wellbeing. However, for many the Holidays can be a particularly challenging time. You might find yourself spiraling, thinking about the boundaries you want to set, managing your emotions, trying to create space for self care or reflecting on how to make the most out of limited time to connect with loved ones.
For example: Say you have a history of getting into arguments with a particular family member and you’re overthinking ways to minimize conflict by anticipating conversations, mentally rehearsing what to say and preemptively feeling defensive.
Alternative: Set a flexible intention. Instead of demanding a completely conflict-free interaction from yourself and others, commit to practicing values-based relational skills. If you value compassion, you might commit to practicing active listening and mindful awareness of your feelings during conversations. Maybe you value self respect and commit to practicing personal boundaries, which can include occasionally saying no.
It’s not about perfectly adhering to your self development plans. It’s about honoring that progress isn't linear and that each interaction is an opportunity to choose to respond differently. This approach removes the all-or-nothing thinking typical of perfectionism. Success is about practicing personal values, not achieving a flawless exchange.
How a Mental Health Professional for Perfectionism Offers a Path to Healing
Treating perfectionism through therapeutic intervention provides a compassionate, structured approach to understanding and managing the negative consequences associated with high personal standards and inflexible behaviors. Through carefully crafted therapeutic techniques, individuals can learn to:
Reframe Negative Thought Patterns
Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) helps clients identify and challenge the underlying beliefs that fuel perfectionism. Perfectionists tend to engage in cognitive biases and performance-related behaviors that stem from their inflexible standards. We work together to understand that self-worth is not determined by flawless performance.
Develop Radical Self-Compassion and Self Acceptance
Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) teaches clients to embrace their imperfections. This approach helps individuals recognize that vulnerability is not weakness, but a fundamental aspect of human experience.
Practice Mindful Acceptance
Mindfulness techniques enable clients to observe their thoughts without judgment. By learning to sit with discomfort and uncertainty, individuals can gradually reduce the grip of perfectionistic tendencies.
Counseling psychology provides valuable insights and techniques for practicing mindful acceptance and managing perfectionism.
Practical Strategies for Overcoming Perfectionism
In therapy, we collaborate to develop personalized strategies. The Multidimensional Perfectionism Scale, developed by Gordon Flett and Paul Hewitt, is a valuable tool in this process, helping mental health professionals understand and address perfectionist tendencies across different domains:
Setting realistic, achievable goals
Breaking tasks into manageable steps
Practicing deliberate imperfection
Challenging all-or-nothing thinking
Developing a more balanced self-narrative
Building Emotional Regulation Strategies
Building emotional regulation strategies is essential in overcoming perfectionism. Perfectionists often struggle with managing their emotions, leading to increased anxiety and stress. By learning effective emotional regulation strategies, such as mindfulness and relaxation techniques, individuals can better manage their emotions and reduce the pressure to be perfect.
Outcome and Prognosis: Achieving a Healthier Mindset
The outcome and prognosis for individuals seeking to overcome perfectionism are promising. With the help of a mental health professional, individuals can learn to challenge and change their perfectionistic behaviors, develop healthier coping mechanisms, and achieve a more balanced and fulfilling life. By recognizing the negative consequences of perfectionism and seeking help, individuals can take the first step towards achieving a healthier mindset and overcoming the relentless pursuit of perfection.
Cultivating a Kinder Holiday Experience
Perfectionism during the holidays often stems from a place of love—a desire to create meaningful experiences and show care for others. However, perfectionism can lead to mental health issues such as eating disorders, emphasizing the importance of a kinder approach to oneself. You don’t have to eliminate these desires but you can practice honoring them in ways that are more flexible, mindful and self compassionate.
Remember, the most significant holiday moments are rarely about everything happening in perfect harmony. They emerge from genuine connection, shared vulnerability, and the willingness to be fully present, mistakes and flaws included.
As you navigate the holiday season, be gentle with yourself. Each moment of awareness, each conscious pivot from perfectionism towards valued actions, is a victory. A memorable holiday experience is not determined by perfect performance but by engaging imperfectly and authentically with the people and activities that make the season special.
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Struggling with perfectionism doesn't mean you have to continue struggling silently. With the right therapist, you can develop effective coping strategies to navigate your worries of failure or not being good enough.
Reach out to Living Openhearted Therapy and Wellness to book a free consultation and learn more about therapy for anxiety to find relief for your anxiety.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Paola Hernandez, MS is a licensed psychologist r in Puerto Rico. She specializes in young adults, perfectionism, and holistic therapy.
***The ideas, concepts, and opinions expressed in all Living Openhearted posts are intended to be used for educational purposes only. The author and publisher are not rendering medical or mental health advice of any kind, nor are intended to replace medical advice, nor to diagnose, prescribe, or treat any disease, condition, illness, or injury. Authors and publisher claim no responsibility to any person or entity for any liability, loss, or damage as a result of the use, application, or interpretation of the material.
***If your are experiencing a mental health emergency you can call the National Suicide and Crisis Line at 988 or take them to the nearest emergency room.